Let’s Stop Thinking About Communion

Let’s face it: a lot of times people can’t get into communion because they overthink it.  They spend so much time with analyzing the bread and grape juice that they forget what it’s really about.  I mean, people think so much during that kind of thing that they forget to feel communion.  That’s what it’s all about: feeling God.

Like, for example, just the other day I was taking communion.  It was a fantastic experience, and I think God was really there.  I’m telling you, that church had good cooks.  They had baked wonderful sourdough bread and served it with all-natural grape juice.  The best part, however, was the ham and cheese they put in-between the bread slices.  It was so scrumptious.  I may not have exactly been thinking about God, but I was feeling Him… on my tongue.

But then my friend, Joshua, started complaining about it.  “Why is there ham and cheese?  Those don’t symbolize anything.  Blah blah blahddidy blah blah.”  It was so annoying and took me right out of the experience.  I explained to Josh that not everything has to mean something, and even if it does the ham probably represents something like Jesus’ love or healing or stuff like that.  If he hadn’t been so critical he could have seen that.  That’s probably why he seemed annoyed when I got seconds.

Communion, after all, is about the experience.  The symbolism and stuff don’t really matter that much.  I mean, sure, that kind of stuff is cool, but it’s extra.  It’s the kind of stuff where I can go, “Uh, that’s cool,” and move on with my life never thinking about again.  I can say that because the experience is more important than the meaning.  And experiences do not require thinking or pondering rationally.  So if I have a more enjoyable communion experience with a little bit of cheddar and a garnish, who is to say I can’t do that?

However, there are all those eggheads who like to sit and contemplate communion.  They’re the ones that try to look too much into it.  They’re the ones that worry about whether stuff has meaning or not.  They’re the ones that get annoyed when I dip my communion bread into olive oil before draining it with some Dr. Pepper, but that’s just how I experience God.  They need to stop judging me.

They’re just so critical, it’s no wonder they can’t get into communion.  While I’m sitting there, enjoying communion for what it is, they complain that they don’t see the point in having frilly toothpicks on the bread.  But just because they can’t see meaning or reason with them doesn’t mean they’re sacrilegious or wrong.  In fact, I think they should be there because that’s how pretty God is.  That’s probably just how the cooks glorify God.  If they stopped thinking so much, they could appreciate that.

And that’s the ultimate problem: thinking.  People get so caught up in trying to analyze the symbols and figure out what it actually means that they forget to feel communion. I stopped doing that long ago, and since then, I’ve enjoyed communion a lot more.  I’ve really felt closer to God.  So people, stop thinking about communion.

You know, like we do with worship.

My Adventures on the Wii Sports Isle: Part 1

Sword Fighting

The arena was a raised circle surrounded by water.  It was white, but had a bright blue circle in its center and had an orange circumference.  The colors were a stark contrast to the bitter horror that took place within it.  Two dry men entered the arena, only one dry man left.  Each match lasted three rounds, or whoever got two wins first.  So far, I had never needed a third round to humiliate my opponent.

I had swung and swiped my way through all my competitors, leaving them wet and defeated as I moved up in the world.  The coliseum around me slowly gathered spectators.  While at first, my opponent and I seemed to be fighting alone, but soon enough, Stewie Griffin, the Joker, Scooby Doo, and many others filled the stands while they watch me beat up generic lowlifes.

Finally, I entered the upper division.  My blue armor shined as I moved into the pro ranks, when it got a well-needed upgrade.  My blue sword felt alive in my hand as I turned it.  I was on top of the world when I saw him.  Marco was his name.  He had wrinkles on his face and a brown bush on his upper lip, complimenting his red armor, also upgraded.  My first big boy match.  He looked like he came from an office or a small retail chain off of 3^rd street.  I did not care where he came from, only that, right now, he was in the arena.

His looks deceived me.  Before I knew it, he was coming at me with incredible zeal.  His fighting style, a combination of vertical strikes and horizontal strikes, was not new to me, but I had never seen it in such force.  I held up my blue sword straight up in hopes that I would knock him back so that he would be sweaty and vulnerable, but no luck.  In no time, I had fallen off the circular arena and into the ocean water.

The climb up was humiliating.  My rise to victory had reached a sudden halt, and I was forced to feel the saltwater rub into my wounds.  In the arena, I noted his unchanging gaze, his square jaw, and those terrible round hands.  I would defeat him.  With the taste of salt still in my mouth, I climbed back into the arena and faced my opponent.  I unleashed a flurry of sideswipes and vertical strokes, leaving him gasping for air within minutes.  Clearly, I had caught him off guard.

He wised up the final round.  We each attacked relentlessly, only blocking when our swings were not enough.  We exchanged blows, gaining ground and losing it, until we were both drenched with sweat.  But we kept fighting.  We gripped our swords and swung our hands with the fury of two Native American warriors.  My side was bruised and I could see him wince when I hit his shoulder, but neither of us relented.  Neither of us gave in.  Neither of would ever stop.

Finally, the round ended.  We were both in the center blue circle.  For all our quirks, we were almost perfectly evenly matched, not gaining or losing any net ground.  However, this crowd wanted blood.  We moved into a secret final round, the likes of which this crowd had never seen.  The blue circle we were residing in rose up while the rest of the arena lowered.  We were up 50 ft higher than normal on a circle that would make even the smallest person feel cramped.  One hit was all it would take to send either of us flying.  There was not enough room for the two of us.

I cautiously kept my sword in front of me, trying to judge Marco’s next step.  The crazy old man kept moving to the edge, pacing around me and tempting fate.  It was at this moment that I knew he was completely crazy.  Sweat dripped down my hands as I gripped my sword, shaking as I held it up to whatever blow might be coming next.  He just kept pacing around the small circle.  I knew what I had to do.  I swung.

His fell swiftly toward the water.  His eyes gazed up and gave a dead stare, but he kept his smile.  He was smiling the whole way down.  As I watched him fall, 50 ft in the air and victorious, I was forced to give a smile myself.

No Blog Post Today

Well, beside this one.  Taking the day off for Christmas… and probably until New Years’ as well.  But in January, blogging will resume like normal.  So be on the lookout for that.

4 Great Gift Ideas (by Nelvin McBeedle)

Uh, hi there.  My name is Nelvin McBeedle.  I’m Devin’s high school friend.  In high school, we were real good friends, I guess.  I often donated my lunch money, and now that he’s off at college somewhere he says I owe him for all the lunches that I’ve eaten in peace.

So I’ve been asked (commanded) to guest blog for Devin because it’s his birthday and he can do whatever he wants.  So, uh, I decided to make a list of 4 great gift ideas, because sometimes shopping for people can be hard.  I mean, you have to figure out what they like, what they already have, buy it for cheap, and you have to figure out what classes they’re taking so you can sneak to their locker because you know that if they knew that that bouquet of their favorite roses did not come from their buff football-playing boyfriend they wouldn’t agree to meet up in the parking lot after school and you wouldn’t be able to face the crushing disappointment of their complete rejection of you in person.  And that’s never good.

So yea, four gift ideas:

1.  A card

You really can't make suspenders look good, can you?

A card is good because you can write something witty and everyone knows that women love funny men.  That way they can look past the suspenders and see you for what you truly are: a passionate and caring individual with the heart of a lion (like Aragorn or Captain Kirk).  And if you’re not witty, you can buy something with a witty joke, and then copy that witty joke onto another card so they think you made it up.  Of course, then you’re living a lie, so you better get a joke book or something that way they never catch on that you’re not as funny as you seem.  In that case, though, you shouldn’t buy Fart Soup for the Middle School Soul or Women’s Rights and other Jokes.  Those don’t work out so well.

And if you do get them a card, you can put another card in it: a gift card.  A gift card is great because when they see it, you can say, “So, you want to go to Starbuck’s sometime,” because, you know, you just bought them an excuse to go to coffee with you.  And then they say, “Well, I don’t go to Starbucks often,” but they take the gift card anyway.  That’s how you know they’re lying.  So that way when you casually bump into them at Starbucks (because you’ve been in there for 4 hours every day writing your screenplay for Star Trek 2: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan), you can be like, “Ha, I knew you went to Starbuck’s!”  And then they might say, “Yea, you’re right, we should get coffee together and totally make-out.”  Or they might give you the cold shoulder to go with their ice coffee.

2.  A Movie

Pictured: importance

A movie is good because everyone likes movies.  For example, my favorite movies are Lord of the Rings, Memento, Star Wars, and Legally Blonde. Now, if someone wanted to buy me a gift and they saw that list, they might go and buy me Star Wars.  Of course, if they bought the prequel trilogy I’d feel compelled to point out how they are such a disappointment and totally unworthy of the “Star Wars” name.  Then I would point out every single inconsistency the prequel trilogy pulls up, because gosh darn it that’s important! If they got the original trilogy, Han better shoot first because I will be so pissed off if he doesn’t.  In fact, if it’s anything but the original theatrical versions on VHS I will be pissed off.  I’d be forced to burn the movies along with a life-size cardboard cutout of George Lucas (that may or may not be in my closet at this very moment, tenderly caring for my N7 jacket).

So maybe Star Wars is not a good example.  However, anything by Christopher Nolan is probably a safe bet.  But if they come back and complain about how they didn’t get Inception or how they thought Heath Ledger was too creepy in The Dark Knight (“he was so dreamy in that other movie”), you might feel compelled to jab a pencil in their eye.  So that might not be a good idea either.

Oh well, there’s always Legally Blonde.[1]

3.  A Collectible

Sometimes, a small piece of memorabilia is all it takes to make someone love a gift.  Sometimes it is a snow globe, or sometimes it is a pretty ornament for the tree.  Those are stupid.  They don’t hold their value (not that they have much to begin with) and, honestly, who cares about the snowman in the snow globe or the elf on the tree?  They are so generic and have no depth or appeal.  Real memorabilia will have characters that have character.

For example, this fine piece of craftsmanship.  With snow globes, the only thing you can do with them is shake them.  However, you don’t want to shake Master Maul because he might just slice off your finger with his saber staff.  Or, he might throw a sticky grenade on your nose and you might have to get reconstructive surgery.  You don’t know for sure, and that is why this collectible has character.

With action figures like Darth Chief, you know that you are getting the finest in non-canon figurines.  Instead of getting an apathetic, “I like it” with a snow globe, you get to explain to your lucky gift receiver that it is not a doll, but an action figure (action figures have more realistic proportions and are more photogenic when given blasters).  Then, you can say that she can sell it back if she keeps it in good condition, but then she throws it to her little sister, so you know she can’t sell it back.

4.  A Kiss

Face it, kisses are hard to come by.  Sometimes, you get kicked out of every single game of “spin the bottle,” and sometimes people stop taking your dares in “truth or dare” seriously.  As my economics class taught me, low supply means high demand, which implies that, chances are, your gift recipient will want this gift.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought about giving this gift.

In many cultures, people kiss as a greeting.  You can use this as an excuse.  If (when) she screams in disgust, just say, “I was simply enacting an ancient gift-giving tradition from your family’s ancestry, stemming from the days they lived in the little-known European country, Boloquia.”  And when she says, “I don’t believe you,” just call her racist.  Then let everyone at school know that she discriminated against you. That way it’s basically a no-risk scenario.

So there you have it.  4 gift ideas for the person without any gift ideas at all.  Remember this next time you are out shopping at your local comic convention or at your local Walgreens.  Or when you’re outside of their house at night with binoculars, looking through the window for the perfect gift idea.

Live Long and Prosper,

Nelvin McBeedle

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[1] A woman after an academic!  I dream of that day.

How Would Christ Run Lee?

Lee University is a campus where “Christ is King.”  Dr. Conn made that clear in chapel, but what would Lee look like if Christ were President?  Lee University students often complain of Lee being too strict or having ridiculous rules,[1] but at least Christ himself is not the one setting the rules here.  After all, Paul Conn is just a servant of the King, and servants are usually the ones that let little nuisances or small broken rules slide, but once their bosses come in, the ship gets a lot tighter.  So Lee students, next time you want to complain about how Lee is too strict or too ridiculous, remember that if the Son of Joseph were at the desk in the administration building, Lee University would be a lot holier.  Not only would Jesus demonstrate how Lee University is justified in instigating morality rules, but He would also take it a step further for the benefit of all.

The King James Bible tells us to “Abstain from allappearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).[2] This is incredibly important for Lee University to do, and something Jesus would take to the next level.  Note that the KJV (the only version) of the Bible tells us to abstain from just the appearance of evil.  This notion gives the administration a lot of power that they have not fully exploited.  Things do not actually have to be bad for the President to have the ability to outlaw them; they just have to look bad.

Take, for instance, alcohol and bars.  If someone drinks any alcohol, they look like they are getting drunk (technically, they are, they just might quit before they end up nude in the streets).  Now, the Bible does not prohibit drinking, but notes that over-drinking is wrong, so any alcohol looks like sin.  Therefore, it should be outlawed.  Bars are the same thing.  Now, someone may just go into a bar because they like darts or mixed nuts, but it looks like they are there to get a drunken one-night stand, so Lee University should treat it as such.

This idea can be taken to other areas as well.  Sports will be the first to go when Jesus runs Lee University.  Sure, the students may just enjoy watching people get their heads butted in, but going to any sports game looks like worship to something other than Jesus, something hot and sweaty and not altogether wholesome, and because it looks like sin, we need to outlaw it like it is sin.  Movies would be right out, partly because Facing the Giants forgot to have an altar call at the end, and partly because sometimes people get naked in movies.  That is sin, and because sometimes watching movies is sinful, watching any movies could be seen as sinful.  So that would be outlawed.

Pictured: Sex (basically)

This can even go further.  Already, the administration has picked up on this and forbade students going into rooms with members of the opposite sex simply because it looks bad (and therefore is bad), but what about kissing?  Kissing looks like sex, so therefore it should be outlawed.  Talking closely with a member of the opposite sex looks like kissing, so therefore that should be outlawed, but being near a member of the opposite sex looks like talking closely, so that should be outlawed, too.  If Jesus were President, He would set some hard boundaries, and make sure that every couple had room for Him.

Think back to the Gospels.  What would happen if sinners were allowed to enter Jesus’ presence?  What would happen if Jesus sat down with money launderers and prostitutes?  People would go crazy!  They might call Jesus out on that, pointing out how He sometimes associates with sinners.  His ministry would suffer, because people would think that Jesus was sinful by association, and if Jesus looks sinful then He would be sinful.  That is why Jesus chose the saints to be His disciples.  He needed to hang out with the moral elite.  What happened when the Pharisees brought an adulterous woman to Jesus?  Did He just let the woman hang out with Him?  Did He just forgive her sins like they were nothing?  No![3] He told her to “Go” (John 8:3-11).  That was a Biblical suspension, one that Lee has followed faithfully, but Jesus would up the ante even more.

Lee University does not need sinners in it, and it definitely does not need non-Christians thinking that sin exists in it.  The point of ministry is to show how sinless and beautiful Christians are now that they have Jesus.  Sure, they can have violent and sexual testimonies of what they were like before Jesus entered their lives (in these cases, the more sin forgiven the better), but once they have Jesus they are as neat and holy as newborn babes.  If they sin again, then they have to come back to Jesus, ask for forgiveness, and then find a new school.

The point of the matter is that Jesus would tighten up the rules because that is how He does business.  With all those secular schools allowing sins like drinking and intersexual relations, Christian schools need to show how the Christian religion is one of rules and morality.  I mean, it is not like Jesus specifically set out to provide an environment of grace and forgiveness.  Jesus probably never said that His disciples should turn the other cheek when wronged (Luke 6:29) or that they should just keep forgiving someone no matter how many times they have been wronged (Matthew 18:21-22).[4] I mean, if Jesus had told His disciples to just forgive people simply because He forgave us and there is no way that anyone can sin to us as much as we sinned to Him (Matthew 18:23-35), then that would undermine the entire concept of kicking people out of Lee for failing to achieve the moral standards set by the administration.  That idea would make Lee University’s focus on having rules just because they look holy seem like it was missing the point, and furthermore any zero-tolerance policies would seem completely out of place.  If that were the case, the handbook would seem pretty ridiculous, wouldn’t it?

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[1] Crazy, I know

[2] Now, Paul technically wrote that verse, but if you know anything about Biblical texts then you know it was really Jesus who wrote the whole Bible.

[3] Maybe.

[4] Jesus had a limit, even if it was 490.

5 Signs it is Finals Week

Finals week is always a magical time in college life.  On one hand, it is so close to break that you can almost feel carefree.  On the other hand, I am often reminded of Dante during these times, who literally had to go through Hell to get to Heaven.  Finals week is almost like a disease that periodically infects campuses, and like any disease, there are many symptoms.  If you are not sure if it is finals week or not, here are five things to look for.

 

1.  Sleep (or Lack thereof)

In college, sleep often takes a backdoor to a lot of activities.  Sometimes, I think Texas Hold’em just seems more appealing than getting a full night’s rest, and sometimes, turning in a paper on time requires the use of dreary-eyed late-night writing sessions.  I have found that throughout college life, staying up until 3 o’clock in the morning becomes so commonplace that it is not until I get home that I realize that my sleeping habits are not normal.[1]

However, during finals week, this behavior is even more exemplified.  The students who didn’t bother to do all-nighters throughout the semester (like this one) may suddenly find themselves needing a really good grade on their finals, thus resulting in a sudden change of sleeping habit.  Staying up late is no longer a preference, but a requirement for students.

What some people may not understand is that all-nighters are not a sign of committed students.  They are a sign of a “oh crap I have to pass this class don’t I?” mentality.  They are the dawning revelation that, as students, we actually have to work to get good grades, and our finals are going to take a lot of work.  Finals week is when slackers are finally punished for their transgressions against teachers, and many students have much to atone for.

 

2.  Increased Facebook Usage

During finals week, it is imperative that students study and remain focused on school.  In some classes, students will be tested on everything they have learned throughout the entire semester (or just the last unit), and they need to be ready for it.  In others, they might have a paper that they have been assigned for three weeks and have been working on for three hours.  If you’re a Writing major, it involves extensive revisions and reflection papers (read, two or so pages of complete bull).  During finals week, the tests are harder than ever, the papers longer than ever, and Facebook more appealing than ever.

The enormous Catch-22 with finals week is that computers are the places where people are most productive, where sources can be found and notes can be looked over.  However, computers are also the place where people are the least productive, with sites like YouTube and StumbleUpon stealing hours upon hours of potential study time.

For example, when I open up my laptop, I can open up a Word document and get working all with just a few clicks.  However, I can reach Facebook, Amazon, Hulu, three separate email accounts, 4 video game websites, two blogs I follow, Twitter, or a flash game website with only two tiny clicks of the mouse button.  Guess which I do more.

Facebook, however, is the worst of all the offenders.  With Facebook, potential procrastination links are present all over the homepage, and game notifications cry out like annoying babies, wanting to be played.  Ooh, I think, Matt just posted a really cool link.  I have to see this. And then with Facebook Chat, every study session is like a group study session, and we all know how productive those are.  Just when you manage to pull yourself away and start studying, the annoying little red speech bubble with the obnoxious “1” pops up, a siren’s call tempting you back into the seductress land of destruction and procrastination.  And speaking of Facebook…

 

3.  Facebook Statuses Will Let You Know

If there is one unifying factor in all of finals week, it is this: if Facebook statuses aren’t screaming at you about finals, it is not finals.  Whether people talk about how they were up all night studying or how they just wish finals were over, a Facebook status is the ultimate litmus test for finals.

Take a look at your Facebook homepage.  If you can find a status that talks about staying up all night, it might be finals week.  If you can find a status about a terrible test coming up, it might be finals week.  If you can find a status that talks about procrastinating a paper, it might be finals week.  If you can find a status that simply says, “AHHHHH!!!!,” it’s probably finals week.[2] Facebook statuses go from narcissistic observations of the normal day to cries of anguish from the 10^th circle of Hell.

 

4.  One of Your Friends will be Slacking Off

Finals week just so happens to be at the end of the semester (funny how that works), and everyone will have that one friend who will be slacking off.  Maybe their finals are all done by the second day, or maybe they had all ridiculously easy classes throughout the semester.  Either way, now they are done, and guess what: they want to hang out.

Never mind the fact that you still have a bunch of finals.  Never mind the fact that you have 3 finals all on the same day, even though that’s technically illegal according to the school handbook (apparently teachers don’t read those either).  Never mind the fact that you have officially changed your residency to the library.  Never mind the fact that you have to get a 100% in a class that is 100% guaranteed to make you cry.

No, this friend has all the time in the world and wants to spend it with you.  He will be the one showing up in the dorm with a six-pack (of soda, of course) screaming “Freeeeeeedoooom!” like Mel Gibson while you sob in the corner.  She will be the one that spends her time posting Facebook links that are guaranteed to make you procrastinate because, as we already observed, you are on Facebook all the time now.  And chances are, your roommate is one of those people, so now you can’t even stay up all night without feeling guilty about waking him up when you finally walk in at 5:30 in the morning.

 

5.  You Feel Like You Have Free Time When You Don’t

During finals week, you will feel like you have all the time in the world.  Sure, you have the ridiculous hard tests and papers, but without classes, there is plenty of time available.  I mean, even if you did not study until the day of the test, that sucker’s at 3, which means if you wake up at 10 you have 5 hours to study.  That’s basically all the time you need, right?  And plus, every college has that day of studying where you have the entire day to study.  That is like 24 hours.  So sure, you can slack off until then, right? Because then you’ll do all you’re studying.  Even those dreaded 8 AM exams give you the night before to study, which, if you stay up all night (which you will), gives you another 8 hours or so.  So you have all the time in the world.

Of course, you really don’t.  The average study session is roughly 66% studying, and 33% procrastination.  That is, of course, once you sit down and actually study.  It takes the average college student about an hour and a half to navigate away from Facebook and onto Wikipedia.[3] From there, it takes approximately half an hour for the student to actually get on a respectable website and do serious research.  Even then, the average college student takes approximately 5 study breaks per 2 hour period, which usually involve snacks, Facebook, and, yes, sobbing.

Even when you do finally start studying, you’ll find that 5 hours is not as much time as you think it is.  When you have 3 essays that all involve extensive research and planning (and possibly memorization, if you have one such teacher), 2 hours an essay just does not cut it.  Soon enough, it is half an hour before you have to turn in your work, you are tearing out your hair out of frustration, your roommate is wanting to know if you want to go grab some food, and you have no idea where the time went.

Chances are, it went to your homepage.

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[1] As I write this, my entire family is in bed.  It is not even 11:30 PM yet.

[2] There have even been reports of teachers going on Facebook and commenting on all their students’ statuses, making fun of them for procrastinating.

[3] God help him if he finds StumbleUpon.

 

The Saturday Morning Effect

I recently saw Sweet Home Alabama for the first time.  Now, it is an enjoyable movie, especially for people who love the South (not me, the South and I are just friends), though I did notice it was the thematic opposite of Romeo and Juliet, but that’s another blog post for another time.

Anyway, it was victim to the much dreaded Saturday Morning Effect.  Now, you may not be familiar with that name, probably because I just coined it myself for this blog post.  Let me explain.  If you watch any Saturday Morning action cartoon (or, at least, they came on Saturday morning when I was a kid) you will notice this cheap trick to keep kids watching.  Kids, of course, cannot stay still, and are subject to losing interest over commercial breaks.  So therefore the TV show makers decide to add a mini cliffhanger right before a commercial break to keep kids wanting to watch.

The problem is that these cliffhangers rarely amount to much.  What will happen is that the Rhino will be charging toward Spider-man, Spider-man will look scared, the music will escalate, and then it will cut to commercial.  Or maybe Wolverine will be knocked on his back by Sabretooth, look like he’s beat, and then it cuts to commercial.  Or perhaps Static Shock is flying around, gets knocked off his sewer cover, fall down into an abyss, and then it cuts to commercial.  Then, when it comes back, Spider-man will dodge the Rhino effortlessly, Wolverine will get up and beat the spunk out of Sabretooth, or Static will make a ramp out of a sewer that he will slide down and not get a single bruise (it is pretty obvious what kind of childhood I had).

The problem with the Saturday Morning Effect is that the problems are solved so easily, and they cheapen the conflict.  After watching an episode of one of those old (or new) cartoons, it is hard to get anxious after seeing the bad guy at a momentary advantage when the viewer realizes that the commercial is just drawing out a beat from the larger fight.  Furthermore, the viewer feels cheapened when they actually get excited over what turns out to be nothing at all.  Why should I have felt scared when Cyclops by the Brotherhood when I find out that he could just blast his way out the whole time?  So now, I’m not likely to feel anxiety over the conflict, but even if I do I’ll feel swindled afterward.

Sadly, this effect finds its way into more than just cartoons for kids and geeky adults.  The superhero show for adults, Heroes, had a lot of faults, and one time it fell victim to the Saturday Morning Effect.  Peter Petrelli is about to blow up, literally.  At the end of an episode he starts getting all radioactive-y, glowing and stuff.  The episode ends with the audience left thinking that Peter’s going to blow up at the next episode, which means the team has to do something–fast.

Next episode, they talk him down within the first five minutes.

Oh, I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal after all.

Romantic comedies like to do this a lot.  Sweet Home Alabama did it, and so did Dan in Real Life.  The most obvious situation is love triangles that, for 75% of the movie, are set up to be impossible situations.  Whether it’s Steve Carrell having a huge crush on his brother’s long-term and serious girlfriend, or the female lead having a husband and a fiance and not being able to decide that between the two.  Clearly, up until the final quarter of the movie, there is no possible way a happy ending can happen.

And then it does.

"You know, I'm actually not as attached to you as I thought at the beginning of this movie."

So that conflict that you were fretting about, it wasn’t actually that big of a deal.  Yeah, the movie fooled you, made you believe that there were two perfect people for the main character, because it is obvious by the end that that other guy can can live without her and this other guy is the only perfect guy.

So yea, the Saturday Morning Effect sucks.

Persecution

Christians in America* like to say they are being persecuted.  Who is persecuting them?  The media, the world, the public schools, and, in extreme cases, the gays and the liberals (these two are always grouped together).

Now, I have two views on this.

1.  Really?  You want to say you are being persecuted?  Now, I get that it makes Acts that much more relatable, and makes the Christian fight seem that much more dramatic, but can you imagine what Paul and Peter think about that?  ”Hm, yea, I see,” Paul says as you tell him how persecuted you are.  ”The media is giving you a hard time, with all the implied sex and violence.  I mean, it’s almost like people can go down to the local religious center and just have sex, right there.  Wouldn’t that be a huge temptation?… What?… You can’t pray in public schools?… You mean there are places you can pray legally?”

The fact of the matter is that when Christians throw around the word, “persecution,” it really dilutes the true meaning.  We like to say that the world is out to get us, that we are like Paul and Peter, and that we have an offensive religion, but none of those are true to the extent we make them.  Yes, the world is a sinful place, and yes we are going against that world like Paul and Peter, and yes some people will be offended if we shove our religion in their face or assume it is supposed to be shown in places meant to be shared by all, but come on.  Paul and Peter lived in a much worse area for Christianity, with much more sin.  We have it better.

Furthermore, the last point, that Christianity is offensive, is pretty much bologna.  Who do you think is stereotyped more in today’s culture, the Christians or the Muslims?  Which is a more controversial choice, a traditional Christian running for President or a Mormon?  How many rumors have you heard of politicians being secret Christians because they do not want to ruin their careers?  The notion that Christians have some sort of taboo that today’s culture seeks to eliminate is, at least in my opinion, offensive to all those people who actually have to deal with religious persecution in America.  It would be like me saying, “I hate how cops treat me because I’m white.”

What people need to realize is that we live in a fantastic scenario with little actual persecution.  We can worship in public.  Oh my gosh!  We can pray wherever we want to.  Yea boy!  There are best-selling books dedicated to our religion, and there are bookstores that only sell books dedicated to our religion (with the occasional right-wing memoir thrown in).  Best of all, we can openly proclaim being a Christian without dying. How cool is that?

When we ignore these awesome attributes and focus on small things, like “winter break” versus “Christmas break” (I actually heard about this debate one time), we lose the value of the great country we live in.  Sure, people like to say how awesome it is that we can worship freely when they are feeling patriotic, but when the youth group does a bible study on Acts, it is all about “Persecution!”

Ridiculous.

2.  Say you are being persecuted.  Say you are legitimately being persecuted while in America.  Someone has just lambasted you for your religion, insulting your belief in God and hurting you in some way.  Now, while I made it clear that I do not classify most of what people say is “persecution” as actual persecution, it does actually happen in America.  I remember one time a talk show host openly criticizing a politician for believing in God while talking to him.  That is a form of persecution.

So say it happens.  What happens then?  Do you get mad?  Do you make a self-righteous comment?  Do you prepare a testimony for your friends to tell them how the world is going “to Hell in a hand basket”?  Well, before you do any of those things you should probably try doing what Jesus said to do first.

“… pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44b NIV)

In this quote and the passage surrounding it, I like to see this message as Jesus saying, basically, “get over yourself.”  When we react to persecution, most of the time is with some self-righteous indignation.

“Oh gosh, they called that Christmas tree a ‘Holiday Tree.’  That’s not right.  I’ll make sure to tell my youth group about how the school system is going to Hell and how political correctness is destroying America.”

What we should be saying when faced with actual persecution:

“That guy just said my belief in God was completely illogical.  I should pray for him, that he may see the logic in believing in God.  I should also make sure to show love to him in the same way that Jesus showed love to me.”

Granted, that’s a little cheesy and not likely to happen verbatim, but the point remains.

Persecution is not a word to be thrown around whenever Christians do not get their way.  Actual persecution is real and it happens and it hurts.  Fake persecution is what happens when Christians cannot assert Christianity into every aspect of modern culture and then complain about it.  Whenever there is not enough actual persecution to be dramatic, Christians like to inject a little fake persecution, diluting the true meaning of persecution and making Christianity seem more like a culture war than a love revolution.

*I am limiting this post to America, as I know that there are other places where Christian persecution is just as real as it was in Acts.  Also, I know there are some areas of America where the actual persecution I talk about is alive and well.  I am talking more about the general definition of “persecution” as I have seen it defined.  Like I said in my last paragraph, I know persecution can hurt and it is not always easy to respond in a loving manner.

An Open Letter to All Those People Who Complain about Valentine’s Day

Stop it.  I mean it.  Like, seriously, it is not funny anymore.  You are not being original, and you are not being guys who are cool by being “against the trend” or something.  You are getting on my nerves, and not because I particularly like Valentine’s Day.  It is because, at the end of the day, 90% of the people complaining about Valentine’s Day are doing so just because they are single.  We get it, you are single and you do not want to be reminded of the joyful bliss that others are experiencing.  Except you disguise it, trying to act all intellectual and superior and calling it a “Hallmark Holiday” with all the snobbiness of a Jane Austen novel.  Well guess what, Valentine’s Day is not met for you.  You can moan and groan all you want, but this holiday, among others, is not meant for you.  There are plenty of examples of holidays that are simply not for a large percentage of the population.  For example…

1.  Father/Mother’s Day

What a typical “Hallmark Holiday.”  You know, these holidays just brings attention to all the people who do not have parents.  Happy “Orphans Awareness Day.”

2.  Groundhog Day

Just think of all those people in the Southern Hemisphere who do not even get to have three more weeks of winter.

3.  Cinco De Mayo

If you are not Mexican, you probably spend this holiday making stupid jokes about a boat full of a certain sandwich condiment sinking while bemoaning the fact that you’re extended family does not make nearly as tasty of Mexican food as the one down the street.

4.  Rosh Hashanah

Only people who are Jewish or in Congress can observe this holiday.

5.  Black Friday

Only people who hate sleep can observe this holiday.

6.  Arbor Day

Only hippies can observe this holiday.

7.  St. Patrick’s Day

Only people who are Irish or act like Irish can observe this holiday.

8.  New Year’s Day

Only people who are drunk can celebrate this holiday.

9.  Columbus Day

Only people who are not Native American can celebrate this holiday.

The list goes on.  The point is, Valentine’s Day is actually a decently sweet holiday.  I mean, for one day each year*, couples all around the world are forced to come together and pay attention to each other, to get rid of the hustle and bustle of real life and just spend time together.  That is something that I value.  So one final note:  to all those couples enjoying Valentine’s Day together, I hope you can get past the Hallmark cards and spend valuable time together.  To all those single people, like myself, I hope that you can clench your teeth and get through it like all Jewish people have to do for Christmas**.

*Sweetest Day does not count.  Never heard of Sweetest Day?  You are in the majority.

**For all those non-Jewish singles out there, just think, “At least I am not a Jew on December 24^th singing ‘Dradle, Dradle,’ for the 89^th billionth time.”  For all those Jewish singles, just think, “Hey, at least my 20 billion holidays all fall on school days.”

“Santa? I Know that Guy!”

A strange thing happened to me today.  I was watching the Polar Express, for one, which I think is a decent movie but nowhere near the Christmas Classic Status it attempts to reach.  It was on in the cafeteria, and the screen was unavoidable.  Then I saw a scene that, thematically, seemed all too familiar.  It was at the end, and the little boy (Tom Hanks’ first character), who started out as a skeptic, was finally beginning to grasp the Christmas magic.  He saw bells shaking but could not hear them ring, until he finally picked one up, put it by his ear, and said, “I believe.”  Suddenly, he heard it ringing, and then Santa Claus (who was also voiced by Tom Hanks) showed up, congratulating him and ushering him on to the happy conclusion.

Does this not sound familiar?  Ok, let me break it down.  The skeptic sees something he cannot hear.  He sees the outside of the bells but cannot hear the inside.  Then, desiring to hear the bells, he believes, confessing with his mouth that he does so.  The bells begin to ring, and then a Savior shows up.

I hope I have made this obvious enough.  The bells can be interpreted two ways.  The bells are the Bible, and the skeptic can see it and observe it but cannot grasp the consequences of it until he has believed.  After all, the Bible does say, “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing [i.e. unbelievers cannot hear the bells], but to us who are being saved it is the power of God [i.e. we hear the bells and Santa is right by our side]” (1 Corinthians 1:18).  The bells can also be seen as believers, whose outside is obvious but the inside, the Holy Spirit, is not comprehensible by unbelievers.  That means Santa is Jesus, who shows up only to those who believe but then proceeds to give them presents.

You may then ask, “Does that mean that the Polar Express is a hidden allegory hoping to subconsciously imprint Christianity into people’s minds?”  To that I would simply respond, “No.”  I think it is probably more of a coincidence.  If anything, the parallels between Santa and Jesus are so ingrained that it is almost impossible to accurately portray Santa (as he is traditionally described) and avoid any connections with Jesus.

Think about it.  Santa is a person who brings you gifts when you are good, coal when you are bad, and is only magical if you believe.  Try thinking it like this.  The gifts are worldly bonuses to being a Christian.  These are things like how people who go to church do better in school.  This is not because God blesses us with correct answers on tests or does homework for us, but because of other things, like community interaction or family involvement.  These are beneficial side effects of being a Christian.  These could be other things, as well, like being blessed financially or being blessed in regards to health.

The coal, on the other hand, is God telling us to straighten up.  The Bible does say, “because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son” (Hebrews 12:6).  Santa is sending a reminder to naughty boys and girls to straighten up.

Then, there is this thing that we love to call the “Christmas Spirit.”  Normally, this is associated with someone who is wearing a cheesy “X-mas” sweater, sipping eggnog and listening to old-fashioned Christmas music.  Yet time and time again, in all sorts of media, the definition of the Christmas spirit is drastically different, and looks a lot like our idea of the Holy Spirit.

Consider this:  our idea of someone with the Christmas spirit is not someone who receives lots of gifts.  In fact, most of the time the person with the most Christmas spirit ends up with the least amount of gifts.  He or she usually ends up giving them all away, yet ending up inexplicably happier than the rest of the people around him or her.  Consider Santa, the ideal of Christmas spirit.  He spends all his time working to give.  He caters to each person, basing his gift on what they want and what they need.  He universally loves people, but does not universally give.  He bases what he gives on whether or not the person receiving needs some coal to remind him or herself to live better, or whether or not they can receive that bicycle they asked for without acting like a jerk about it.  In all of this, Santa stays the giver with the receiver’s status in mind.  The Christmas spirit is that strange thing that drives people to give rather than receive, to serve rather than lead.

Does that not sound like Jesus?  Does that not sound like the Holy Spirit?  Granted, it does not capture the entire essence of the Gospel, but nothing apart from the Gospels will do that.  It did get a large gist of it, though.  Santa, like Jesus, lives to serve us and to punish and reward us to live better lives, but his ultimate goal is not to give us stuff but rather give us the Christmas Spirit, which is a lot like the Holy Spirit.  He does not desire for us to be greedy but rather sets an example we are to follow.

In the same way any time Jesus gives us stuff, He is doing so with the intent of furthering the Kingdom.  He does not give us stuff so we can be greedy, but rather that we will have the capability of giving as well, or doing something else to further His Kingdom.  When we find ourselves in need, it is because God must have felt it necessary for us to live without for a while, to further His Kingdom in other ways.  This does not mean that that person is not as good a Christian as someone who has plenty, in the same way that the amount of gifts one receives is in no way related to the amount of Christmas spirit one has.  At the same time, God does rebuke us, and giving coal is done out of love, not spite.  Many have said that Christmas is about giving, not receiving.  In the same way, our lives as Christians are about giving, giving ourselves, our possessions, our lives, instead of receiving things that do not go beyond this world.

I was having a discussion with my friend today about whether or not we should allow our kids to believe in Santa (or deceive our kids in to believing Santa, if you want to word it like that).  While I do agree that there are dangers, after noticing these parallels I cannot agree.  Santa is more than just a character for some holiday; he is a stepping-stone, an explanation, of our calling.  For kids, he may be the best explanation there is.

*The quote in the title is from the movie, Elf, starring Will Ferrell and directed by Jon Favreau.

**I do not think I have said this, but any times I reference a Bible verse I will be doing so using the NIV version, for simplicity sake.  If I use a different version I will make a note of it.