4 Great Gift Ideas (by Nelvin McBeedle)
Uh, hi there. My name is Nelvin McBeedle. I’m Devin’s high school friend. In high school, we were real good friends, I guess. I often donated my lunch money, and now that he’s off at college somewhere he says I owe him for all the lunches that I’ve eaten in peace.
So I’ve been asked (commanded) to guest blog for Devin because it’s his birthday and he can do whatever he wants. So, uh, I decided to make a list of 4 great gift ideas, because sometimes shopping for people can be hard. I mean, you have to figure out what they like, what they already have, buy it for cheap, and you have to figure out what classes they’re taking so you can sneak to their locker because you know that if they knew that that bouquet of their favorite roses did not come from their buff football-playing boyfriend they wouldn’t agree to meet up in the parking lot after school and you wouldn’t be able to face the crushing disappointment of their complete rejection of you in person. And that’s never good.
So yea, four gift ideas:
1. A card
You really can't make suspenders look good, can you?
A card is good because you can write something witty and everyone knows that women love funny men. That way they can look past the suspenders and see you for what you truly are: a passionate and caring individual with the heart of a lion (like Aragorn or Captain Kirk). And if you’re not witty, you can buy something with a witty joke, and then copy that witty joke onto another card so they think you made it up. Of course, then you’re living a lie, so you better get a joke book or something that way they never catch on that you’re not as funny as you seem. In that case, though, you shouldn’t buy Fart Soup for the Middle School Soul or Women’s Rights and other Jokes. Those don’t work out so well.
And if you do get them a card, you can put another card in it: a gift card. A gift card is great because when they see it, you can say, “So, you want to go to Starbuck’s sometime,” because, you know, you just bought them an excuse to go to coffee with you. And then they say, “Well, I don’t go to Starbucks often,” but they take the gift card anyway. That’s how you know they’re lying. So that way when you casually bump into them at Starbucks (because you’ve been in there for 4 hours every day writing your screenplay for Star Trek 2: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan), you can be like, “Ha, I knew you went to Starbuck’s!” And then they might say, “Yea, you’re right, we should get coffee together and totally make-out.” Or they might give you the cold shoulder to go with their ice coffee.
2. A Movie
Pictured: importance
A movie is good because everyone likes movies. For example, my favorite movies are Lord of the Rings, Memento, Star Wars, and Legally Blonde. Now, if someone wanted to buy me a gift and they saw that list, they might go and buy me Star Wars. Of course, if they bought the prequel trilogy I’d feel compelled to point out how they are such a disappointment and totally unworthy of the “Star Wars” name. Then I would point out every single inconsistency the prequel trilogy pulls up, because gosh darn it that’s important! If they got the original trilogy, Han better shoot first because I will be so pissed off if he doesn’t. In fact, if it’s anything but the original theatrical versions on VHS I will be pissed off. I’d be forced to burn the movies along with a life-size cardboard cutout of George Lucas (that may or may not be in my closet at this very moment, tenderly caring for my N7 jacket).
So maybe Star Wars is not a good example. However, anything by Christopher Nolan is probably a safe bet. But if they come back and complain about how they didn’t get Inception or how they thought Heath Ledger was too creepy in The Dark Knight (“he was so dreamy in that other movie”), you might feel compelled to jab a pencil in their eye. So that might not be a good idea either.
Oh well, there’s always Legally Blonde.[1]
3. A Collectible
Sometimes, a small piece of memorabilia is all it takes to make someone love a gift. Sometimes it is a snow globe, or sometimes it is a pretty ornament for the tree. Those are stupid. They don’t hold their value (not that they have much to begin with) and, honestly, who cares about the snowman in the snow globe or the elf on the tree? They are so generic and have no depth or appeal. Real memorabilia will have characters that have character.
For example, this fine piece of craftsmanship. With snow globes, the only thing you can do with them is shake them. However, you don’t want to shake Master Maul because he might just slice off your finger with his saber staff. Or, he might throw a sticky grenade on your nose and you might have to get reconstructive surgery. You don’t know for sure, and that is why this collectible has character.
With action figures like Darth Chief, you know that you are getting the finest in non-canon figurines. Instead of getting an apathetic, “I like it” with a snow globe, you get to explain to your lucky gift receiver that it is not a doll, but an action figure (action figures have more realistic proportions and are more photogenic when given blasters). Then, you can say that she can sell it back if she keeps it in good condition, but then she throws it to her little sister, so you know she can’t sell it back.
4. A Kiss
Face it, kisses are hard to come by. Sometimes, you get kicked out of every single game of “spin the bottle,” and sometimes people stop taking your dares in “truth or dare” seriously. As my economics class taught me, low supply means high demand, which implies that, chances are, your gift recipient will want this gift. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought about giving this gift.
In many cultures, people kiss as a greeting. You can use this as an excuse. If (when) she screams in disgust, just say, “I was simply enacting an ancient gift-giving tradition from your family’s ancestry, stemming from the days they lived in the little-known European country, Boloquia.” And when she says, “I don’t believe you,” just call her racist. Then let everyone at school know that she discriminated against you. That way it’s basically a no-risk scenario.
So there you have it. 4 gift ideas for the person without any gift ideas at all. Remember this next time you are out shopping at your local comic convention or at your local Walgreens. Or when you’re outside of their house at night with binoculars, looking through the window for the perfect gift idea.
Live Long and Prosper,
Nelvin McBeedle
[1] A woman after an academic! I dream of that day.
Tags: chief, christmas, darth, gift, ideas, master, maul
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